Someone very close to me recently told me he watches all of my videos, then added with a chuckle, “You sure are a great actress.” He took a beat and said, “No, I know you really believe this stuff.” When I asked him later what he meant, he pointed to the emotion in my videos. “You don’t have to be melodramatic,” he said. “Just be yourself.”
Well, here’s the thing. That is me. I’m what researchers call a highly sensitive person, or HSP. So let’s talk about the highly sensitive person and anxiety: what this trait actually is, how fear shows up for people like us, and why the same wiring that makes fear loud makes joy loud, too. ✨
Click on the video below or read on for the full story. 🌿
Someone Called Me a “Great Actress” — The Truth About Being Highly Sensitive | Dr. Stephanie Best
What Being a Highly Sensitive Person Actually Means
Being highly sensitive means your brain and body pick up on more of what’s happening, both around you and inside of you. The shift in someone’s tone. The noise in a crowded room. The beauty in a piece of music. You process all of it more deeply, so you feel things more strongly. . . both the good stuff and the hard stuff.
It’s not a disorder, and it’s not a flaw. It’s a trait. The concept comes from the work of psychologist Elaine Aron, and research suggests somewhere between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 people have it. So if this sounds like you, you are far from alone.
Here’s what it looked like for me over an ordinary weekend. Friday night, I was snuggled up on the sofa with my fiancé, watching one of our favorite shows, feeling a deep bubble of love and contentment. Saturday morning, I was relaxing on the porch, looking out at the marsh, feeling at one with the trees and the birds. Happy. 🌤️
And then came Saturday afternoon.
The Highly Sensitive Person and Anxiety: Fear Shows Up in Technicolor, Too
When I recorded this video for my YouTube channel, I was getting ready for a trip to Reno, Nevada, to join Dr. Steven Hayes. He’s the psychologist who originated Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the approach at the heart of my work. I’d been invited to help record one of his signature course updates, and possibly even be part of the course itself on video. A chance to learn a lot, surrounded by people who are just as passionate about this work as I am.
My inner compass said “YES!” Then fear came in on the other side.
Who do you think you are? Are you even going to know how to do all that? What if your plane is late? What if they lose your luggage? Everybody out there is going to be smarter than you, and they’re going to know you don’t belong there.
Yada, yada, yada. All of a sudden, in my mind, I was an 11-year-old trying to navigate this whole journey.
If that sounds familiar, it’s because fear said similar things to me before the networking meeting in downtown Charleston I told you about in my recent post on Flavoring and Savoring. What I said then still holds. Fear is allowed to come along. It just doesn’t get to decide how I show up, or whether I show up.
But here’s what I want you to know. Sometimes I share these stories after the fact, with the tool I used and everything hunky-dory on the other side, tied up in a neat little bow. This time, I recorded the video while I was still sitting in the fear. Nervous, scared, and excited. “Nervous-cited,” as one of my clients likes to say. 🙃
Navigating fear once doesn’t mean it won’t show up again. For a highly sensitive person, anxiety can be part of the package. Being highly sensitive means living life in technicolor . . . or, as Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn calls it, “full catastrophe living.”
The Same Wiring That Makes Fear Loud Makes Joy Loud, Too
Yes, I feel things big. That includes fear a lot of the time. But it also includes joy a lot of the time, and a whole bunch of other wonderful things.
Research on HSPs suggests we tend to feel joy more intensely. We’re more tuned in to what others are feeling, including the people we love, which helps us respond to them. And we really soak up the good stuff when it comes along.
So the volume knob doesn’t only turn up on the hard stuff. The same wiring that makes fear loud makes joy loud, too. That porch-and-marsh happiness on Saturday morning came from the same sensitivity that had me worrying about lost luggage by Saturday afternoon. They come as a package, and honestly, I wouldn’t trade it. 💫
You Are Not Too Much (Here’s What to Do With Big Feelings)
If you have big emotions and you feel things deeply, it’s okay. I do, too. Learning to live courageously as an HSP starts with giving yourself permission to feel your feelings and express them.
With one important caveat. As HSPs, we’re responsible for learning how to regulate our emotions and express them in healthy ways, especially if no one ever taught us how. (I figured that out the hard way in my younger years.) The good news? It’s a learnable skill set. Here are a few places to start . . .
Name it. When feelings run big, try naming what’s happening: “This is my sensitive wiring, picking up on a lot right now.” Naming it with kindness gives you a little room to choose what comes next.
Let fear ride along without handing it the keys. You can feel nervous and still pack the suitcase. When emotions start to spiral, a three-step grounding tool called Dropping Anchor can help you feel your feet on the ground again.
Soak up the good stuff on purpose. Your wiring works in joy’s favor, too. When a moment of delight shows up (a quiet morning, a favorite show, birds over the marsh), slow down and let it in. 🌱
And if you’d like support building these skills, that’s exactly what therapists like me are here for.
Bottom line: you are not too much, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a beautiful and vital part of Club Human. Its heartbeat, if you will. 💛
Please don’t feel like you have to dampen or numb your technicolor emotions to make other people more comfortable. As author Marianne Williamson wrote, “Your playing small does not serve the world.” Let that vibrant light of yours shine! The world needs more of it, especially these days.
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Someone very close to me recently told me he watches all of my videos and added with a chuckle, "You sure are a great actress." Then he took a beat and said, "No, I know you really believe this stuff." It made me pause, so I asked him later what he meant. He referenced the emotion in my videos and said, "You don't have to be melodramatic. Just be yourself."
Well, dear viewer, I'm here to tell you this is me. I'm what researchers call a highly sensitive person, or HSP. If you are too, stick around. This one's for you.
Hi, I'm Dr. Stephanie Best. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, and I teach high-achieving humans with anxiety how to use mind-body wellness to kick fear out of the driver's seat so they can live courageously and build lives they love.
If you want real talk like this and real tools for real life, sign up for my newsletter. I'll post the link in the description, and you'll get a free guided meditation recorded by yours truly just for joining. Plus, you'll get a heads-up when new videos are released, along with a few behind-the-scenes extras.
Now, back to highly sensitive people. Being highly sensitive means your brain and body pick up on more of what's happening, both around you and inside of you. So the shift in someone's tone, the noise in a crowded room, the beauty in a piece of music: you process all of it more deeply. So you feel things more strongly, both the good stuff and the hard stuff. It's not a disorder, and it's not a flaw. It's a trait. And research suggests somewhere between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 people have it. So if you identify with it, you are far from alone.
Here's what that looked like for me just this past weekend. Friday night, snuggling and comfy on the sofa with my fiancé, watching one of our favorite shows, feeling a deep bubble of love and contentment. Saturday morning, relaxing on the porch, looking out at the marsh, feeling at one with the trees and the birds. Happy.
Later Saturday afternoon, my mind decided to remind me about my upcoming trip to Reno. If you got my last newsletter, I told you about an incredible opportunity I received to join the creator of the kind of therapy I practice, acceptance and commitment therapy, Dr. Steven Hayes, one of the greatest psychologists of our time, out in Reno, Nevada. I'll be helping record one of his signature course updates online and potentially even be a part of the course itself on video. Getting to learn a lot. Getting to surround myself with other people who are just as passionate about this work as I am.
So my inner compass is the one who initially said yes to that. But of course, fear likes to come in on the other side. And just like with the networking meeting I went to in downtown Charleston a few weeks ago, the one I talked about in Video 11, fear said similar kinds of things to me. "Who do you think you are? You're traveling all the way across the country. Are you even going to know how to do all that? Are you going to make the right connections? What if your plane is late? What if they lose your luggage? Look how big that hotel looks. That Caesars resort. Are you even going to be able to get from the airport to the hotel once you get there? Are you going to be able to find your room? Everybody out there is going to be smarter than you. They are going to know what they're doing, and they're going to know that you don't belong there." I mean, yada, yada, yada. All of a sudden, in my mind, I was like an 11-year-old trying to navigate this journey.
[sighs] Just like I said about the networking meeting in Charleston in the Flavoring and Savoring video, fear is allowed to come along. It just doesn't get to decide how I show up or whether I show up.
But I want you to know something, because sometimes in these videos I give you the aftermath. This is where fear showed up. This is the tool I used to navigate. And now here's everything, hunky-dory on the other side, tied up in a neat little bow. Well, right now I'm sitting in the fear. I feel nervous, scared, and excited. Nervous-cited, as one of my clients likes to say.
So just because you successfully navigate fear and follow your inner compass once doesn't mean fear isn't going to show up again. And here I am again. In fact, being a highly sensitive person means living life in technicolor. All of the above. Or, as the father of modern-day mindfulness, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, likes to call it, full catastrophe living, baby.
Yes, I feel things big, and that includes fear a lot of the time. But it also includes joy a lot of the time, and a whole bunch of other wonderful things. In fact, here's what research says about HSPs. We tend to feel joy more intensely. We're more tuned in to what others are feeling, including the people we love, which allows us to be more responsive, by the way. And we really soak up the good stuff when it comes along. Basically, the same wiring that makes fear loud for us makes joy loud, too.
So if you have big emotions and you feel things deeply, it's okay. I do, too. Learning how to live courageously as an HSP means giving yourself permission to feel your feelings and express them, with one important caveat. As HSPs, we must take responsibility for learning how to regulate our emotions and express them in healthy ways, especially if we weren't ever taught how to do that. I figured that out the hard way in my younger years. The good news is it's a learnable skill set, and there are lots of folks who can help you with it, including therapists like me.
Bottom line: you are not too much, and there's nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful and vital part of Club Human. Its heartbeat, if you will. Please don't feel like you have to dampen or numb your natural technicolor emotions to make others more comfortable. In the words of the famous author Marianne Williamson, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." Let that vibrant light of yours shine. The world needs more of it, especially these days. Thanks for watching.
