Dreading Something on Your Calendar? Here's How to Deal With Anticipatory Anxiety
Recently I walked into an invitation-only room full of high-powered business people, and my social anxiety had a lot to say about it. In fact, it had been talking to me about it for days.
Maybe you know the feeling — the dread that starts long before the event does. It’s a common experience. If you’ve ever wondered how to deal with anticipatory anxiety like that, I want to share the tool that got me through the door (and what I found on the other side of it). It’s called “Flavoring and Savoring.”
Click on the video below or read on to find out what happened. 🌿
Dreading Something on Your Calendar? Try Flavoring and Savoring | Dr. Stephanie Best
What Anticipatory Anxiety Sounds Like
Here’s a sampling of what my mind said in the days leading up to that event:
You don’t want to go to this thing. You don’t belong there. Everybody’s going to know that. Who do you think you are? What if you say something awkward? What if that person from your old workplace who doesn’t like you shows up? You know, it’s a really busy week anyway. It would be such an easier day if you just skipped it. You probably won’t get any referrals from it anyway.
Yada yada yada. 🙄
That’s anticipatory anxiety at work: the worry and dread that show up before something happens, sometimes days ahead of time. It tends to arrive with a very persuasive script. Predictions of embarrassment. Reminders of everything else on your plate. A perfectly reasonable-sounding case for staying home.
This is what minds do. They scan for threat, and a room full of people who might judge you registers as one. (I’ve written before about why pushing those thoughts away tends to make them louder.) So if you’re waiting for your mind to quiet down before you do the thing . . . you may be waiting a long time.
You Don’t Have to Wait for Your Mind to Quiet Down
A lot of us assume that coping with anticipatory anxiety means getting it to calm down first. Then we’ll go. Then we’ll be brave.
I didn’t wait. Instead, I did what I modeled in my piano video on how to face your fears. I opened up to my inner experience, grounded myself in the present moment, and did what mattered.
That’s the heart of how to deal with anticipatory anxiety from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective. The anxiety doesn’t have to leave first. You make room for it, and you let your values decide what you do next. “Flavoring and Savoring” is one practical way to do exactly that. 🌱
How to Deal With Anticipatory Anxiety: Flavoring and Savoring
Flavoring: Choose the Qualities You Want to Bring
We flavor by choosing values, or qualities of being, that we want to bring to an experience. I chose three: bravery, presence, and faithfulness.
Bravery, because courage is one of my core values. (My YouTube channel is called Courageous Living, after all!) I refuse to let fear choose for me and drive the bus of my life. I wanted to show up at that event, push my comfort zone, and expand my capacity and belief in myself.
Presence, because I wanted to be fully engaged. During conversations with other attendees, I wanted to listen mindfully rather than drift into thoughts about ‘what to say next’ or ‘what that person might be thinking of me.’ I wanted to be fully in-the-moment so the greatest teacher of all time, direct experience, could teach me.
Faithfulness, which for me comes down to a deep belief that if I show up authentically, what’s meant for me and who is meant for me will find me, along with the opportunities I’m meant to receive. I choose to believe the Universe is always operating in my favor, whether something actually feels good or something important is being worked out in me. Standing in that certainty helps me show up as the person I most want to be.
Your chosen qualities, or values, don’t have to be mine. They simply need to matter to you.
Keep Your Values Within Reach
To help me remember my chosen values, I made a little note on my phone. When I needed a reminder in the days leading up to the event, I’d pull it up. I pulled it up again while I was trying to find my way from the parking garage to the event space, which was a challenge in and of itself. (Honestly, I felt like I had accomplished something just by getting to the front door!)
Each time, I’d remind myself: I am choosing to embody bravery, presence, and faithfulness. Then I’d ask myself, How would I act in this moment if I were using those as my guide?
It works like a North Star, giving you direction so you can navigate by your inner compass instead of fear. ✨
Savoring: Notice How It Felt to Show Up
On the other side of flavoring your experience with your values, take a few moments to savor the outcome. Notice what happened and how it felt to show up in a values-aligned way.
Here’s what I got to savor.
There was one person at the event I knew, though I didn’t know she’d be there, and we hadn’t seen each other in a long time. I feel very fondly about her, and coming around the corner and seeing her was a delight. It was one of those “Oh, you’re here!” “No, you’re here!” moments. 💛
There was another former contact I hadn’t seen in a while. He had been going through a really difficult time. He’s someone who made a deep impression on me in the past, someone I believe is destined for great things. I was able to reflect back to him the light I saw in him and offer some comfort and encouragement. It moved him to the point that a tear shone in his eye; he embraced me in an appreciative hug, and that felt pretty great.
And at the end of the event, I went up to the organizer and spoke with her, flavoring the conversation with all 3 of my chosen values (bravery, presence, faithfulness). She told me she’s planning additional workshops and seminars, and that conversation may very well lead to a future speaking opportunity for me.
None of that would have happened if I had chosen to avoid going.
Fear still got to come along. I was nervous, for sure. It just didn’t get to decide how I showed up in the room.
Try It With Something on Your Calendar
So here’s my invitation. What’s one thing coming up that you’re dreading?
Flavor it. CHOOSE two or three qualities you personally value that you want to bring to it.
Keep them close. Put them somewhere you’ll actually see them, like a note on your phone or a sticky note in your wallet.
Savor it. Afterward, take a few minutes to notice how you showed up, and how it felt to LIVE your values in real time.
And if the event doesn’t go the way you hoped? There’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. Your direct experience is always valuable, even when it’s teaching you a painful lesson. So whatever happens, savor the parts that were truly yours: you chose to go, you carried yourself in a values-aligned way, and you learned something important to help you the next time around.
That’s what dealing with anticipatory anxiety can look like when you stop waiting for it to disappear before you ACT. Fear is allowed to ride along, while you stay firmly planted in the driver’s seat.
Try it today. Let’s be courageous together! 💫
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Earlier this week, I walked into an invitation-only room full of high-powered business people, and my social anxiety had a lot to say about it. In fact, it had been talking to me about it for days. Maybe you know the feeling, the dread that starts long before the event does.
Hi, I’m Dr. Stephanie Best. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist, and I teach anxious humans how to use mind-body wellness to kick fear out of the driver’s seat so they can live courageously and build lives they love. If you want real psychology with real tools for real moments, subscribe. I release a new video every few weeks.
Now, back to our story. Leading up to this week’s event, my mind said things like, “You don’t want to go to this thing. You don’t belong there. Everybody’s going to know that. Who do you think you are? It’s been so long since you went to one of these things. You don’t belong. What if you say something awkward? What if that person from the place you used to work who doesn’t like you shows up? You don’t want to see them. You know, it’s a really busy week anyway. You’ve got so much to do. It would be such an easier day if you just skipped it. Probably won’t get any referrals from it anyway.” Yada yada yada.
So, this is what minds do, right? We’ve talked about this before. So instead of waiting for my mind to quiet down, I did what I modeled at the piano in my video, How to Do the Scary Thing. I opened up to my inner experience, grounded myself in the present moment, and did what mattered. And I used a handy tool called flavoring and savoring to help me do that. And that’s what I’d like to teach you today.
So we flavor by choosing values, or qualities of being, that we want to bring to an experience. I chose bravery, presence, and faithfulness.
Bravery, because courage is one of my core values. After all, this channel is called Courageous Living. I refuse to let fear choose for me and drive the bus of my life. So I wanted to show up and be brave, push the zone of comfort, and expand my capacity and my belief in myself.
I also wanted to be present. I wanted to be able to be fully engaged, and when I was having conversations with people, really mindfully listen, and probably get a lot out of it if I allowed myself to do that, rather than drifting and allowing my mind to take me away from the present moment, thinking about what to say next or what that person might be thinking of me. I wanted to be fully in the moment so that the greatest teacher of all time, your direct experience, could teach me.
Faithfulness, for me, really comes down to my deep belief that if I show up authentically, in a genuine way, what’s meant for me and who is meant for me will find me, along with the opportunities that I’m meant to receive. I choose to believe that the universe is always operating for my good, whether it’s something that actually feels good or whether something important is being worked out in me. When I choose to show up that way, believing that this is in the service of my growth and my development as a human and as a businesswoman, and when I stand in that certainty, that kind of faithfulness really helps me to show up as the person I most want to be.
So, bravery, presence, and faithfulness. Those were the three things that I chose. To help me remember that, I made a little note on the notes app on my phone. And when I needed a reminder in the days leading up to it, and as I was trying to find my way from the parking garage to the event space, which was a chore in and of itself (and honestly, I felt like I had really accomplished something just by the time I got to the front door of the room where the meeting was being held), I would pull up the notes app and remind myself, “OK, that’s right. I am choosing to embody bravery, presence, and faithfulness. How would I act in this moment if that was my guide?”
It’s sort of like a North Star. It gives you direction, right? Helps you navigate via your inner compass. Choose several qualities of being that you want to bring to your actions, dynamic qualities of your inner values, and really embody them throughout whatever event you’re facing in your own life. And then on the other side of it, really start to savor the results. Take a few moments to savor the outcome, the results, how it felt to show up in this values-aligned way.
For me, there was one person at the event that I knew, but I didn’t know she was going to be there, and we hadn’t seen each other in a long time. I feel very fondly about her, and I think she feels pretty warmly about me, and we got to reconnect. It was a delight coming around the corner and seeing her. It was one of these, “Oh, you’re here!” “No, you’re here! That’s great!”
There was another former contact, another one that I didn’t know was going to be there, and I hadn’t seen him in a while. He had been going through a really difficult time, and he was somebody who had made a deep impression on me in the past, and who I really felt, and feel, is destined for great things. So I was able to reflect to him the light that I saw in him and provide him with some comfort and some encouragement. And it moved him to the point that he had a tear in his eye and gave me a hug, and that felt pretty great.
And the organizer of the event, I went up to her at the end and spoke with her, and that looks like it might end up leading to a future opportunity, a speaking engagement for me, because she’s going to do additional workshops and seminars, and I might be one of the featured presenters, if not the featured presenter. And none of that would have happened if I didn’t choose to go.
So, it’s not only important to flavor your actions with your valued qualities of being, but it’s important afterward to savor what that was like, to notice what that was like. OK, so fear still got to come along. I was nervous, for sure. It just did not get to decide how I showed up in the room.
So, what’s one thing on your calendar coming up that you’re dreading? Pick two or three qualities that you personally value to flavor that with. Then afterward, take a few minutes to savor how you showed up, and notice how it feels to live your values in real time.
